Battlefield Humor

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TO: Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,
Bald Buzzard Ridge, RFD 2
Mountainville, Kentucky

Dear Ma and Pa: 

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working 
for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before 
maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because 
you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like 
to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot 
and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, 
wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, 
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried 
eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you 
can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food 
plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route 
marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden 
us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the 
city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country 
is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is 
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and 
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting 
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big 
as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like 
the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all 
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. 
They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get 
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, 
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull 
at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from 
over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same 
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and 
weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other 
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for the barn roof 
and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - G.

In case you were wondering….

What Exactly is Inside a Can of Whoop-ass?

A few reminders …

  • When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine
  • Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!
  • Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume
  • Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.
  • U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.
  • U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah
  • Stop Global Whining
  • Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
  • The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight
  • Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back
  • What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil
  • Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775
  • Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It
  • Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon
  • It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting
  • Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl
  • One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support
  • My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College
  • A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers
  • If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher.. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran
  • Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world.
    A U.S. Marine doesn’t have that problem.

    ….. Ronald Reagan

Search dog stuck in chair

Tank vs Ditch

God was too busy!

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?” The Marine calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America ‘s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

Speed Trap

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call out from behind a sand dune saying, “One Marine is better than ten Taliban.”

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers.”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban.”

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought..

Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There are two of them.”

Driving in Iraq

2 Responses to Battlefield Humor

  1. Billy Eugene Gilbert says:

    Class of Mar 68 to Mar 75

    Thanks for the great humor. My job on the trail directing Buffs to make mole hills out of mountains.

  2. Darrell Huber says:

    These were great, thank you!

Comments are closed.

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